This has been one long week, in one long month.
And I’ve decided to stay in tonight. A Friday night. My husband congratulated me. He’s going to work this evening, and I thought about getting a sitter and going out. But I’m not going to and he knows how hard that is for me.
He said, “I’ve noticed you’ve been relaxing more.” And it’s the nicest thing I’ve heard in a long time. I took it as a massive compliment. Because I am one of those people for whom relaxing feels all but impossible.
Habitually, if there is a free space in my calendar, I plug it up. With a coffee date, a time to plan a workshop with a friend, a show, yoga class or rock climbing. The truth is, a hole in my schedule makes me nervous. The thought of not having my days planned in advance makes me anxious. So I plan and over plan, and I inevitably burn out. This pattern I’ve noticed. We all have them.
I often joke that my husband is anti-social (he’s actually not) and that my social life is “hyperactive.” (that part is accurate). And I’m pretty sure I could get myself an ADD diagnosis.
But now that I know more about Ayurveda, I know why I have these tendencies and I know how to correct them. That “relaxing more,” he mentioned is unnatural and very intentional. I have a Pitta-Vata constitution. I go go go like the wind (Vata). I push push push with my fire’s (Pitta)’s lust of life. And then. Well, there’s not a lot left. Exhaustion… We are all made up of the three doshas, but I often feel like I’m 0% Kapha. That which is grounding, steady and solid.
But I’ve noticed myself, these days, gravitating to be in the presence of those who are more Kapha. They speak more slowly and intentionally. They are loving and emotional. Most importantly, they often have big, dreamy eyes.
But the point is, I’m trying to slow down. I’m trying to honour myself and my cycles. Honour the reality that a woman doesn’t function the same way the entire month. Honour that it’s summer and it’s friggin’ humid and hot out there! There are seasons and cycles happening all the time and I am getting better and better at tuning into them. (If this paragraph is interesting to you, I highly recommend the book Wild Power). And it seems to be working.
I have friends, for whom, I am the Yang to their Yin. Those very Kapha friends who might not “naturally” have that fire that sometimes causes me so much grief. Those friends who might need a little extra nudge to embark on that project they’ve been meaning to get to for the last five months or 10 years.
Okay, okay, so tonight I didn’t do nothing. I did write a blog post and the evening has barely begun. But at least I’m in comfy pjs and by butt is firmly planted IN the couch. I “plan” to be here till tomorrow afternoon…